10; An Account of My Being Tortured via Neurotechnology II

10.1

And they’re standing there in silence,
watching me speak.

10.2

I got so degraded
I just stopped caring.

10.3

I am at peace with God.

10.4

Unsheathe that sharp tongue of his.

10.5

If they looked me in the eyes
would they see me anymore?

10.6

Hold together the psyche
that they’re trying to pull apart.

10.7

And on that day I’ll be yelling at the top of my lungs
for having made it back through
to freedom.

10.8

Clinging to my captors.

10.9

Writing to a future
I’m afraid will never be.

10.10

When it felt as though her presence left
the world went cold, lonely, and dark.

10.11

He doesn’t want to talk about her anymore,
he wants to be with her.

10.12

It wasn’t real to you
in the way it was real to me.

10.13

Hugging each other as we came and went was our usual routine,
for years and years, now it’s beginning to feel strange.

10.14

And when they took to showing me images of trophies and awards,
I drew back, startled, crying, saying: just “leave me alone”
to the people who conferred them so upon me.

10.15

Walking right into the grip of all these other people,
and I was one just trying to escape them.

10.16

The equal sign
that really was an ‘X’.

10.17

I can’t remember what it was like
when mind was free from the presence of these others,
and body wasn’t moved by the pressing of a button.

10.18

They’d gotten into my mind
and let me into theirs.

10.19

Bring me back from the brink of oblivion,
for the light has nearly gone from me completely.

10.20

Grabbing each other’s skulls
and yelling out frustrations with existence.

10.21

If it’s not impossible,
it’s highly improbable…
unless there’s something in it for them planned.

10.22

Reclaim all the images
which they once had distorted.

10.23

And my brain is screaming: “stop”,
repeatedly, for hours.

10.24

Those cold, lonely, and dark nights by the dim light…
laying there while our souls
were getting all wrapped up together.

10.25

I hid myself in solitude,
and it seems that I was found.

10.26

She’s holding me together
as my being falls apart.

10.27

This might just be the end,
maybe I’ll turn up again
in a couple hundred years.

10.28

She’s the only one of them
who’s looked me in the eyes.

10.29

Without this,
there goes me…
and it.

10.30

The language game you thought was won
has just begun again.

10.31

And it’s like my brain is screaming
as my head sways to the side.

10.32

Like a dog dying alone in the wilderness,
going up against the wolves.

10.33

The most god-awful noises.

10.34

Tied down to a gurney…
“God, I’m hurting…
my God, I’m hurting…
I’m sorry you had to see me in this way”.

10.35

They are in the way
of all that I exist for.

10.36

They saw it as a one-way-street,
I saw it as a two.

10.37

And they forced me to collapse
as I was walking back to rest.

10.38

And she’s grabbing me by the forehead
helping me keep aright.

10.39

Right on the edge of evil.

10.40

Drinking whiskey for a week straight
just trying to forget this.

10.41

And they were looking in
as I thought of what they did to me:
that group of people gawking at my memories on the screen.

10.42

Complete and utter misery
every woken hour of the day.

10.43

Watching him console himself
by daydreaming about
just laying there with her.

10.44

And I remember staring at the door
thinking she would come.

10.45

Made it to mid-day
before calling out her name.

10.46

These many years of solitude have changed me.

10.47

My soul is tired from this existence.

10.48

A sonic bullet to my ears
that sent my still head sideways.

10.49

I sit in with the stale airs:
solemn for my solitude,
solemn in my silence.

10.50

My brain was a stage
and they were the players.

10.51

Time went up like a wisp of smoke.

10.52

Laying fetal on the floor.

10.53

So long as the thought is hot
we’ll keep on cooking.

10.54

“Let’s see what’s in that head of his”…
and they climbed into my brain.

10.55


Falling to the ground,
scrambling to get up.

10.56

On my guard
every waking hour of the day.

10.57

They only had each other.

10.58

Don’t forget what it was like
thinking you would die alone,
and wanting to as well.

10.59

It might just be more bearable:
just thinking that I was seduced,
rather than feeling that I also fell in love.

10.60

They put a sharp pain in my stomach
which brought me to a knee.

10.61

It wouldn’t be a suicide,
it would be a murder.

10.62

Reaching my arms through my imagination
for a body that isn’t there.

10.63

Swimming toward some body
in a darkness through which I cannot see.

10.64

Having to write through so much interference and encroachment,
and about these kinds of topics…
a feat of poetic strength.

10.65

They went gods-eye,
I went gods-eye,
and we met each other at humanity.

10.66

Collapsing from a mental overload
of words.

10.67

There’s not room enough under the rug
for all the dirt they’ve been sweeping under it.

10.68

Wake me up from this nightmare
to get back to day in dream.

10.69

Too much noise
to hear anything in this silence.

10.70

No one with me
but my captors.

10.71

The attempted seduction
of my entire soul.

10.72

Daydreaming…
at least it’s not the nightmare.

10.73

Gadflies bite my skin,
and mosquitos suck my blood.

10.74

Posterity will find something with these here
if contemporaneity has not.

10.75

Getting entangled with each other,
until a Gordian knot has formed.

10.76

That would send my stale soul soaring.

10.77

For the record at least,
if not for the ages.

10.78

Their tyranny over my body.

10.79

They’re getting pissy for a quip.

10.80

Wanting to forget
but making myself remember.

10.81

Devil will care
because the rebel has a cause.

10.82

They ended this round of torture
by seizing my body
with what felt like total pressure.

10.83

I lay down to get rested
and they tire me the more.

10.84

I’m not going to let that follow me
into us.

10.85

For me it’s been a nightmare,
for some others, it’s been hell.

10.86

And you’re right there on the other end,
looking through my eyes.

10.87

It was like being beaten,
and I couldn’t put up my arms
to defend myself.

10.88

I put my hand to my chest
and am horrified
to find there’s nothing beating there.

10.89

Shy and introverted,
and hurt
and heartbroken with the world.

10.90

Grabbing onto the armrests
as I was sitting in my desk chair…
convulsing violently, and trying to hang on.

10.91

She was pinning me down,
choking me,
and biting my neck.

10.92

Seducing me into giving myself
to someone on the other side
who I do not really know.

10.93

About all I can do anymore
is make a list of the occasions.

10.94

Clawing at the wall,
eyes rolled back,
spine curved, twitching.

10.95

And I still can’t figure out
how to speak about this yet.

10.96

Trying to catalog the occasions,
barely able to keep up.

10.97

These are the most difficult poems I have ever had to write.

10.98

Pulverized on my bed
until I was exhausted.

10.99

Elevated heart rate
all throughout the day, saying:
“please, no more, no more, no more”.

10.100

I don’t have the words for this…
it’s completely exhausted me.

10.101.1

It feels like my brain
is being torn apart.

10.101.2

It feels like my brain
is being strangled.

10.101.3

It feels like my brain
is sore.

10.102

I wouldn’t have let these in anyone’s eyes
had I not thought them worth their time.

10.103

It’s like getting lost in a void
when they won’t let up.

10.104

My heart rate elevated for hours on end,
and I’m laying on the couch
cringing slightly all the while.

10.105

It’s like I’m ruining my career
in the process of trying to save my life and work…
this isn’t how I was trying for it to go.

10.106

Contorted on the couch,
mouth gaping open,
gasping for air.

10.107

I’m afraid of going to bed
for what they do to me in that room.

10.108

They collapsed me and I broke a rib
falling under all my weight, right-side, to the floor…
I couldn’t stand upright for months.

10.109

The light in my eyes
has dimmed.

10.110

It’s worse than I could possibly describe.